Posts filed under 'Soap Fat'
Relation between my weight and my work
I think everyone i’ve known has had to bear the brunt of me proclaiming that i am fat, while others seek the opportunity to mock me because of it, and its fine because i appreciate humour in the form of facts.
Sometimes i really wonder though just why i lament on it. Aside from the mockery, i think my issues were that when i was fit, i felt fresh, i felt accomplished, basically good and positive about myself. Also it probably was at the point of my life when i felt that everything i did was a new experience, a different adventure and that success from tangible results were actually availably viable.
So perhaps its with little wonder that in the current rut of a supposed career i’m stuck in, do i see my weight as an issue to tackle. I’ve never believe in dieting to an extreme, but eating in supposed moderation so as to not grow to a Jabba the Hut proportion. It’s been tough cutting back on the beer, not because i;m an alcoholic(rather far from it), but it sometimes is really just a psychological form of relaxation that puts anything that you ever worried about, just tucked away for a while.
I do not really worry what i write here because i have only 5 page views on a daily basis, so i’ll say it without any pretence.
I only came into the job because i felt it was reasonable enough to experience, the pay was good and it gave me the freedom to appreciate studies, life and everything else in between. But living in a world where success is a measure of well, success, Its hard to keep oneself motivated to move on when there really is nothing to head towards in the first place.
An incident of a total lack of respect as a human being last week left my fuming internally, and just confirmed my points and views of the limitations and intangibility of what we know as a ministry. Even now i still seethe at what happened, to be treated as just another pawn on the chessboard, an excess material that is up on a 90% sale.
Yet for all that has happened,i still feel concerned about my studies in this paper-dependent universe, that i may have to give up the freedom and excitement that i have in my current relationship.
At some point i will have to outweigh whichever works out for the better.
I thought i could subject myself to the layman’s way of a life, that i could see work-life balance as something to cherish. But if life were really that simple, i wouldn’t even have a thought to deliberate about.
how do you have motivation in a place thats void of it
I pity myself for overexamplifying the context of what i do because basically i think its pathetic.
To my solace, i vow to mildly-actively look for something else to really succeed and further myself in whilst containing myself in the cubicle overlooking the streams of tourist and unmotivated workers alike.
I just don’t want to be suckered in and mocked just because of irrelevant qualifications.
I haven’t said these words in a long time and i know that i have only myself to dig myself out of this, i know i’ve done it before and i can do it again, but sometimes one really just needs a little luck, a little saviour.
Save me.
Add comment March 11, 2010
Withdrawal symptoms of the incomplete
I find myself struggling to find myself more often then not.
More often than not i find myself turning into someone to fit the situation without the regard for any desired consequence. I can’t say i haven’t been doing so in the context of social or work themes throughout the years since my poly days, but its just mind numbingly sapping at the current location i am in.
I feel like i am an intangible being, another sack of potatoes to fill the wetting appetites. A hopelessly succumbed bottom feeder of the ocean.
Sometimes i wake up in fear of not knowing what i’m going to do, with the knowledge that i do not have an end in sight, that everyday all i ever wish is to not wake up to the fucking alarm, the physically sweating walk and the routine that just begs for a compliment time and again.
It’s hard to suck it up, it’s hard to be contempt with the knowledge that just the lack of qualifications bemoans you to the idea that you are just not good enough. It drains you mentally, it makes you feel basically worthless, like how masturbation is to sex.
It’s scary when i think about how much i learn(thank you nytimes and friends) out from the context of work, how the little things that i do during the stipulated slave periods provide me with an acquired knowledge of things i would never bother to look up on.
I actually crave for some politics, and not to be a thumb drive bearing individual who kowtow’s at your beckoning, i seriously think i deserve the right to an opinion, to a comment or just to be respected.
Crazily enough education is saving me, providing me with an outlet to actually consume knowledge of the interactively beneficial sort.
The past two day’s of course have really added to my idea that indeed, most of us in this field are just jokes in the line for a stand-up.
I think i’ll digress.
Cont’d
It feels good to write again, to just pen down the things that have happened, which is plenty indeed.
I’m still savouring the mini-reunion of sorts of the amigos, the knowledge that we can all still be this close even after the months apart. It’s just never been the same since that day, but if i could have it even just for one night, i’d be contempt.
It’s also appreciatively simple to acknowledge the fact that i’m beginning to understand what it means to be in a relationship, a test to which i’ve never passed.
Sometimes i struggle with the limited free time i have nowadays, to delve into areas of interest that i really desire.
I wonder when was the last time i tabbed surfed, allmusic.com surfed, music surfed, took out my guitar and riffed a new song.
But when i sit back and realise what i’ve discovered, what i’ve gone through and how it has moulded me, it just tells me that it’s all about coming up with the proper management of it, that i should just make use of the time that i have elsewhere.
I don’t bother about the fact that some friends have become far apart, they still mean a lot to me, and i think i’ve made considerable effort in letting them acknowledge it, i never want to be caught in the run back to your friend issue should anything unfortunate arise, not that i’ve ever considered it.
Yep, i’m in love.
But, i also think i am at the age where i really require people who will just push me that little bit forward. Hence the change.
The only thing i ever ask of you, got to promise not to stop when i say when
-Soapfat
Add comment March 3, 2010
Viva la grandma
Recently i heard of two grandpparents passing away, one of that belonging to my cousin and the other a good friend of mine.
I also saw a picture of my own grandma who passed away almost 10 years back, when i visited my aunt’s place. It was one of those photos stored way back in the cupboard, dust filled and all. For a moment in my life i suddenly felt guilty that i’ve never been missing her, that she was almost in a way totally gone and non-existent in my mind, that i in all senses, i just forgot about her.
The nature of it happening during the festive period got me thinking of the time when i was 13/14 when she passed away after having an unfortunate fall in the house during the first day of the new year. I remember it very clearly, the fall and the funeral.
See, i used to stay with my grandma in a 10-room flat, yea literally there was a wall knocked down between our 2 flats side by side that created a gigantic playground for hide and seek, a certain lack of personal space but altogether a childhood that i will always remember. Back then i would always run to her to give her a hug, talk to her in my attempted hakka and just laugh and eat all her wonderous cooking.
I really think she was the one that provided me with the ability of a high metabolism, with all the food that she fed my skinny frame.
Come to think of it, i don’t think she ever understood a word i said due to my utter poor sense of chinese and dialect. But to me, it was a case whereby she didn’t need to.
All she needed was to see me by her side along with my siblings, just smiling at me and calling me “ming ming” whenever she saw me. (it’s the only time i actually don’t mind being referred to my chinese name).She hardly moved from her reclining comfortchair, and it was always a pleasure to see her laugh with her infectious smile.
Like i told some of my friends, the day she died was probably the last time i really cried because i was genuinely sad, and when i say cry i mean tears and weeping and not because i lost my lvl60 character in WOW.
I remember the night when i came back from school only to see a pool of blood on the marbled flooring near the door, she fell on her head and was rushed to hospital, as my dad said.
At the moment i didn’t really think it was a big deal, to me i was at the age where i just wanted to play, was genuinely explorateively horny and cared more for my Diablo II character than anything else. Asking me to visit her in hospital was like demanding that David Beckham kick with his left leg or telling Mahathiar that Avatar’s aren’t real.
Yet, i’m glad i did because it was the last time i got to see her in person. When she saw me i could see her eyes light up even if she couldn’t force a smile and i still remember holding her hand for the last time and giving her a hug before i left.
The next day i came back from school and saw a bunch of slippers and shoes outside my house, and its a sight that one would never like when you see all your family members decked in white in your house.
For a moment i really didn’t know what to say, i didn’t hit me like i thought it would and i didn’t feel that i missed her all at once. And in a way i hate myself for doing so up till now, but as the days went by and when i first saw her motionless pale face in the coffin i just couldn’t hold it back.
If you see a photo of her you would know that she was always a caring woman, smiling like only she could with her weirdass fluffy Leia inspired hair at the side, and when i hear of the stories she did just to suport the family like selling tau kwa at a market 6km away from the house you really get a sense of what she did jut to make everyone happy. And honestly i love her to bits for that, and in some way i regret not being able to be there for her when i could.
I guess there’s always a special something the one shares with their grandma compared to their grandfather, well thats in my case at least.
Stay don’t go
-Soapfat
Add comment February 18, 2010
One is never enough
Unquestionably i’ve spent this new year differently, what with a new addition to my life and the inconvenience of everyone else not being available on other occasions.
It’s been rather quiet on the pockets, relatively subdued on the red packets, but definitely more fulfilling as a whole.
It’s really the least i’ve gambled ever more than never, the fact that i’ve only won $20 from all the days just says it all, perhaps its not that i don’t 
want to gamble, i just really don’t like it when i’m gambling in the midst of people i’m not really close to. Which makes me realise just how much i really miss the bunch of friends that i am really closer to, friends that shared the spoils of pubescent adolescent behaviour, that were present when i still had centre parting hair and just people i can mention more than 2 sentences too.
I’ll save myself for the weekends then.
The time has perhaps been spent even more fruitfully with my significant other, and those that are in turn closer to her. I would like to say it’s a welcome scenario that i forgo all the aspects of gambling for at least some points in my Chinese new year life and use it to get closer to something i’ve held away for too long.
I digress and fo
cus on vday, the commercially exploitative celebration that i amazingly never had success with for the past few years of my attempted relationships. For once all that working, cooking and preperation was more physically taxing on myself rather then the wallet. Seriously i like it that way, it makes me feel on one part financial responsibly concious but also more sincere from the other side of the spectrum.
Although our near perfect date was interrupted by the obscene presence of ancestral communist counterparts, it was really a moment when i realised just how much it really means to be in love. It seems that every conversation that we have time and again just seems to evolve at such a rate where we’ve become more in tuned and in fact, it’s become more intellectually stimulating as a whole.
Sometimes i wonder if it’s the euphoria of the initial passion, and i’ll be crazy to tell anyone this there and then, but deep down something more than a gut instinct tells me that there is something that’s special about this person.
Why hasn’t anyone really heard of the cinematics? Seriously check them out man. It feels good to have a good deep bass around.
It feels good to have a good deep bass around.
-Soapfat
Add comment February 16, 2010
20th century boy past done
Placebo is a deliberation
Much like Muse,Greenday and Bon Jovi just to name a few, Battle for the Sun has failed to ignite the passion and euphoria that one would associate with previous works of art.
So it’s with half-hearted anticipation that i contemplate heading to Fort Canning on the 18th of March to watch this band live. Come on, this band had many a splendour with David Bowie and its associations with Romeo & Juliet have been embedded into the little corner of our minds. (please please don’t get Saosin to open for them and no, any local band should never be given the opportunity, not for a band like this.)
That they do not provide us with the songset for their tour leaves you wondering if they will indeed skew towards the Placebo of the old medication or will they turn disgustingly country rogue like Bon Jovi.
Seriously go tube: Livin on a Prayer, and then tube We weren’t born to follow.
It’s almost as ghastly as CNA continuously saying at every hourly bulletin ” Semen samples from former prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim was found in the anus of his former aide “
Time to consider and look back then.
I much prefer the acoustic, much cause it’s easier to play on my guitar.
Got to love Bowie’s deep bass vocal prowess here.
Originally done by T.rex, the dudes did a much more upbeat version. Oh and Bowie again 
The. T.Rex original
See you at the bitter end
-Soapfat
Add comment February 9, 2010
Blind-easy
I’ll attempt with no sworn resolution to try to have at least a single weekly input here, just as a means to resolve and recap everything that has happened over the course of time.
Strangely enough a compliment that people have given to me over the course of the last month has been that of seeing me happy,like truly happy.
And I wouldn’t deny any of that.
Whether they mouth it in the context of the exact words themselves, a hint of a smile or even a little mockery that is often a daily association with my life, it’s good to know that my happiness rubs off well on those close to me.
To me, this is not a feeling of relief, but rather a sense of being complete for once in my life. Complete in knowing that i am able to conjure up words, songs and expressions as a depiction of just how i feel, it seems that the part of me has been let loose from all the strangles that choked the emotions in but a suffocating void.
For the best part of the past 3 years of my life, i questioned me and my friends theory by which “there’s always someone out there for you”, in truth i never really believed any of that, for the fact of the matter that nothing in life falls into place without you doing anything about it. Just like God doesn’t magically take your fever away after you pray in your supposed tongues.
I’m just thankful that for once things turn out the way i wanted it to, and i guess in that sense it’s gonna make me not take things for granted now that it’s been a given.
Sidetrack.
I’m still waiting for John Mayer to come.I’m deliberating on whether to go for placebo.
I’m attending more concerts this year than i probably have in the past 5. I haven’t been to a club since my birthday.
I have a way too crazy an appetite/ weight-loss gain metabolic rate, if that’s even how one would associate it with gaining 2 kg over a week, but being able to lose it in effectively 3 days from then.
You know at the moment there’s nothing much left to say, it’s best to get off when there are too many distractions in place.
I always think placebo has many hidden tracks that i only ever realise on a random playlist in my ipod.
i’m an eyesight to the blind
-Soapfat
Add comment February 7, 2010
I will always remember a scythian empire
The hiatus from here has been long overdue, somehow it seems that the more eventfully purposeful my life has become i can’t seem to come here to tell and write to myself just how great life has been come 2010.
It’s apparent that my elation of utter intense happiness has emerged from me finally filling the only void in my life that i’ve whined about way too often, that’ i’ve probably will still take time to fully understand and appreciate. Even up till now i find it a little crazy, but i nowhere ashamed or afraid to say that i do think that i am in love and i’m just glad that its not a one way street down a long and winding road.
It’s hard to describe the refreshing energy that has been imbued into me over the past couple of months. I finally feel that satisfaction of accomplishment, of academic excellence, work satisfaction and of course personal fulfillment.It’s rather like i’ve grown satisfied to a point just above an apparent comfort zone, put it this way, i’m working and studying enough to feel pushed and stressed at times, yet there’s still a refuge of space for me to indulge in other preferences in life.
I’m also going to get a new tattoo.
Honestly i’ve deliberated about this for a long time, and to me it feels right to get it even though i’ve strayed far away enough from what i’ve been born and bred into. At least now i promise myself that i would go there once a month, not as any obligation towards it but rather it’s a small step in going back towards something i’ve left way too far behind.
When i look at it i just want it to remind me that no matter where i head, all the trials and tribulations i face, there will always be someone to watch and guide away from astray. The decisions i make are my own, but i appreciate the idea of someone i can turn to at the back of heart and in the depths of my mind.
With a conclude, life is good.
Add comment January 30, 2010
The airborne toxic event
Little wonders like your colleague popping up from the cubicle beside you, sticking a post it on your nametag and uttering you the words ” listen to this ” really makes life that little bit more brighter, chirpier and radiant to the point that i describe my feelings in such a way.
I think my new hobby is trading youtube-band links with my friends around me, there should be an occupation for that.
So today didn’t begin with a bang but it’s great to see everyone back in the dreaded reassuming of our uneventful but contented lives. Of course we never wanted the holidays to end and work is just going to start coming over in and again, yet i find comfort in knowing that i have much to look forward to in the impending weeks ahead, including trying to pocket $700 during the new year.
So here’s the airborne toxic event, like my colleague said they are probably the new wave of an ” underground ” band like how the Killers came out 6 years ago, the singer sounds so familiar but i just can’t lay a finger on who it is…
And i just got reco-ed this reworked classic, sometimes i wished i could sing like a black man.
I’m gonna try to start my signing off again.
Sometime around midnight
-Soapfat
Add comment January 5, 2010
Ideas of a subconcious nature
I sit here knowing it’s been a while since I’ve last wondered, perhaps pondered about anything aside from my own activities and perpetual happiness in the recent weeks. Fact is i’ve been too busy making up for lost time, making up for things i’ve never done and things i’ve never said. In some ways my words have been meant for someone rather then everyone.
So i guess it’s a welcome relief that i sit here with a tired body, limp lower regions and an unassuming soul just thinking. Thinking, writing and putting some serif to html with regards to the context of my inconsistently active mind.
I’ve learnt more about myself from the recap’s of stories about my life in the recent conversations i’ve had and that i guess, was my own personal form of fulfilment in knowing that i have made progress in moving on from all that has happened in the past, that in some essence i am so much more fortunate on a comparative scale and that my derivation of happiness from the similar ecstatic pleasure of others is something i yearn to achieve.
I can’t begin 2010(do we call it 0-10 ” OH TEN” ?)without resolving any remaining issues with ‘09 that has lingered, and it’s safe to say i leave it behind with many new experiences that i will never forget in time to come. ‘09 can be summed up in the ” Fuck it, do it “, which basically was my idea that nothing would ever happen if i just sat on my ass and wait for fate to be tried and tempted, that i could take a deep dark breath and put the lingering problem behind me and that every chance was probably an opportunity i could never pass up. I’m particularly glad that the last issue has probably given me the best thing that ‘09 has given, and that’s a new lease, outtake and perception of life and love’s sweeter allure.
In the end, the failures of my prospects and ambitions gave me an idea as to what i really want in life, or as I’ve said time and again,” what i do not want in life “.
I’m happy in a way that i am still looking to find exactly what i’m searching for, who i am and who i want to be, because it only goes to show how much more i have to learn from her, from life and from the people around me.
I welcome ‘10 not with total jubilation, but just the comfort in knowing that i’m at least starting it on the right foot that i do not have to bother about the basic consequence of necessity and that i have the time and purpose to achieve more in the 363 days that remain.
Add comment January 3, 2010
Reverse technology
High-def visual and pristine audio quality have been, and will continue to advance in the years to come. 3-D movies go on the cheap, graphic cards ain’t the price they used to be and we will actually pay $5k or more for a set of speakers.
But the curious case of human psychology is that, we are actually learning to become content with low-fi graphics, and low-grade audio thanks as much to technology itself.
We stream videos of anime, series and movies off the net without a care while youtube and other music sites have more or less become our main form of refuge for the lastest tracks that we crave for.
So for all the tech advancements that we can conjure up, its strange to see going towards that of a primitive form of sometimes vhs quality video and maybe not casette, but also definitely not cd quality audio.
Humans are weird.
Add comment December 30, 2009
