Calustrophobia “is the fear of having no escape and being closed in“.

Initially i figured that my fears of claustrophobia were attributed to certain forms of ridiculous childhood trauma.

1.) Hide & Seeked in my granny’s cupboard and not being found for almost an hour

2.) Lost in the pipes of FUN DAZZLE at Pasir Ris

3.) Asshole cousin wrapping me in a blanket

4.) Almost getting drowned by this a.hole angmoh boy at his condo pool

The following are just some other lifelong examples of claustrophobic situations i have been in.

- I can never think about getting those enclosed MRI scans(A study shows that up to 27% of people find it overwhelmingly scary)

- I fear being stuck in a lift for too long

- If any mafia people catch me, please tie me to the top to the car with some rope. i will be a useless ransom cause i will just die in the car boot.

- I can’t crawl through tunnels for more than lets say a minute

- A small room with too many people in it scares me to shit. I still remember a particular tutorial in TP that was as such

- One can forget about asking me to sleep in a capsule hotel

- I can’t wear a mask that covers my whole head(e.g. Mascot heads, chemical warfare masks)

- I used to fear Undertaker vs Kane in a casket match. Because coffins scare me too shit

I’ve been through cases (aside from MRI)of all the following and they have induced certains levels of panic attacks, shortness of breath and certain disillusionment at one point or the other.

The last point may seem childish enough to say, but for the many funerals that i have attended i’ve always felt a fear of that one day that i indeed have to be there.

Basically like everyone, i fear death. And that i realise, has led to my claustrophobic fears.

the fear of no escape

Death is the only inevitable thing with us humans, and the fact that there is no escape from it perhaps leaves me wondering just where do we go from there. I refuse to go all religious and all on this matter because it’s just something that all of us can never understand. I pray for the day that i find solace with it, perhaps only then can i ever confront my fears of claustrophobia.

On a lighter note, i do feel my claustrophobia is more varied, in that certain aspects like flying, small cars do not scare me because all i need in any situation is a visual referene of an escape.

Essentially. A WINDOW-that can prefrably be opened. Airplanes are totally fine though.

I still think it’s interesting to say the least, how phobias come about and emerge, like how everyone probably has some form of acrophobia(say i hang you freefall 2000ft in the air) or claustrophobia(buried alive), but the cause that triggers it is probably something that hard to actually confirm.

my short tongue

-soapfat

i like to see illustrations in my life in lyrics of song in manners that its not supposed to be.

This song is one of those songs that i haven’t heard in a while, one of those really simple songs that gets my thinking about my life as a whole.What with the simpleton chords that its made out of.

Anyone who has heard this song would probably know its all about breaking up, not feeling the way you did for that special someone and then moving on.

But somehow i find a part of this song that indicates to me more of my life at the moment

But my heart it don’t beat, it don’t beat the way it used to

And my eyes they don’t see you no more

And my lips they don’t kiss they don’t kiss the way they used to

And my eyes don’t recognise you no more

I just substitute all the ‘you’ with ‘myself’ at the back of my mind, and it puts all my feeling right into perspective.

Bono epitomises my feelings.  I feel like I’m back to lamenting without anything actually happening.

“You got to get yourself together, you got stuck in a moment and you can’t get out of it”

God, just fuck the mondays.

-soapfat

Sometimes i really wonder though just why i lament on it. Aside from the mockery, i think my issues were that when i was fit, i felt fresh, i felt accomplished, basically good and positive about myself. Also it probably was at the point of my life when i felt that everything i did was a new experience, a different adventure and that success from tangible results were actually availably viable.

So perhaps its with little wonder that in the current rut of a supposed career i’m stuck in, do i see my weight as an issue to tackle. I’ve never believe in dieting to an extreme, but eating in supposed moderation so as to not grow to a Jabba the Hut proportion. It’s been tough cutting back on the beer, not because i;m an alcoholic(rather far from it), but it sometimes is really just a psychological form of relaxation that puts anything that you ever worried about, just tucked away for a while.

I do not really worry what i write here because i have only 5 page views on a daily basis, so i’ll say it without any pretence.

I only came into the job because i felt it was reasonable enough to experience, the pay was good and it gave me the freedom to appreciate studies, life and everything else in between. But living in a world where success is a measure of well, success, Its hard to keep oneself motivated to move on when there really is nothing to head towards in the first place.

An incident of a total lack of respect as a human being last week left my fuming internally, and just confirmed my points and views of the limitations and intangibility of what we know as a ministry. Even now i still seethe at what happened, to be treated as just another pawn on the chessboard, an excess material that is up on a 90% sale.

Yet for all that has happened,i still feel concerned about my studies in this paper-dependent universe, that i may have to give up the freedom and excitement that i have in my current relationship.

At some point i will have to outweigh whichever works out for the better.

I thought i could subject myself to the layman’s way of a life, that i could see work-life balance as something to cherish. But if life were really that simple, i wouldn’t even have a thought to deliberate about.

how do you have motivation in a place thats void of it

I pity myself for overexamplifying the context of what i do because basically i think its pathetic.

To my solace, i vow to mildly-actively look for something else to really succeed and further myself in whilst containing myself in the cubicle overlooking the streams of tourist and unmotivated workers alike.

I just don’t want to be suckered in and mocked just because of irrelevant qualifications.

I haven’t said these words in a long time and i know that i have only myself to dig myself out of this, i know i’ve done it before and i can do it again, but sometimes one really just needs a little luck, a little saviour.

Save me.

I think that herein Singapore belies a high concentration of unhappy people, individuals who are never satisfied with they’ve been given, who find every single loophole and negative to indulge in trivial arguements and complaints on, people who fail to realise to some extent, just how lucky we are.

While sitting in for the the debates by our ‘exuberant’ ministers, i listened to a barrage of complaints that hounded our dear HDB Tan, offering nothing but issues that were met with no solutions. However amidst the rambling on by Mr Tan on measures that the govt has already put in placed, he highlighted how in fact housing in singapore has evolved so much over the past 50 years, which i feel was the centripetal  reason towards the advancement of SOL, sanitisation, job and everything else that our little island has grown to become.

Think about it, moving from a kampung to a flat, diseases uncommon, sanitation necessary.

But what we’ve come to expect is just something better, away from contentment. True enough issues like housing, CPF, yada yada yada have all come under scrutiny, and personally i think its just a vicious cycle of both the government and we ourselves who have led us into the mix, into a hole that we can never come out from.

Let’s put the issue of democracy aside.

We used to clamour for foreign talent, to aide us in our household chores, construction work and everything that we shunned. But as soon as they seem to be taking away opportunities for us that we used to forcibly lead them into, we complain.

True, the govt’s incentives of tax free years to international MNC’s and other business has indeed led to an increased growth in privitisation, overall business and an increase in our GDP. No doubt these business created for viable jobs and opportunities for us Singaporeans, and we definitely had the lion’s share of the possesion and chances back in the 80’s and 90;s,

Then we wanted more, wanted the 5 C’s and everything else in between.Asian financial crisis, 9/11, SARS, Lehman Brother and the debt ridden results of gambling lead to fingers pointing.

I think its safe to say that  its become part of the culture to not expect the least, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

But i wonder somehow if we could just conduct a campaign on contentment amongst Singaporeans. And stop wasting on energy conservation, racial and religious harmony and electoral campaigns that never materialise(i’ve seriously given up and let the PAP rule)

I’ve had this conversation with my friends many a time, with mixed reactions. Truth be told there are some who clamour for the rich and famous lifestyle, whereas i’ve met many that in reality, never want to be rich, not for the reasons that many would see.

It all boils down to appreciating and accepting what we have. Working for that holiday, saving because you want the best for people around you and enjoying everything in and out of work.It makes the love, the friendship, the camaraderie all the more appreciative and special.

It takes me back to treating my friends on the back of my first paycheck, seeing my gf’s smile when i bought the tickets for her and just the general amusement when i buy that jug of vodka lime for friends i haven’t met in a long time. See, that’s not flashing my money cause i can be a miserly if i wanted to be, but it didn’thurt because the happiness far outweighed the outcry of an empty bank account.

I think that’s more or less vanished, the word contentment. At least i’ll try to stick with it.

Can’t get no satisfaction

-Soapfat

I find myself struggling to find myself more often then not.

More often than not i find myself turning into someone to fit the situation without the regard for any desired consequence. I can’t say i haven’t been doing so in the context of social or work themes throughout the years since my poly days, but its just mind numbingly sapping at the current location i am in.

I feel like i am an intangible being, another sack of potatoes to fill the wetting appetites. A hopelessly succumbed bottom feeder of the ocean.

Sometimes i wake up in fear of not knowing what i’m going to do, with the knowledge that i do not have an end in sight, that everyday all i ever wish is to not wake up to the fucking alarm, the physically sweating walk and the routine that just begs for a compliment time and again.

It’s hard to suck it up, it’s hard to be contempt with the knowledge that just the lack of qualifications bemoans you to the idea that you are just not good enough. It drains you mentally, it makes you feel basically worthless, like how masturbation is to sex.

It’s scary when i think about how much i learn(thank you nytimes and friends) out from the context of work, how the little things that i do during the stipulated slave periods provide me with an acquired knowledge of things i would never bother to look up on.

I actually crave for some politics, and not to be a thumb drive bearing individual who kowtow’s at your beckoning, i seriously think i deserve the right to an opinion, to a comment or just to be respected.

Crazily enough education is saving me, providing me with an outlet to actually consume knowledge of the interactively beneficial sort.

The past two day’s of course have really added to my idea that indeed, most of us in this field are just jokes in the line for a stand-up.

I think i’ll digress.

Cont’d

It feels good to write again, to just pen down the things that have happened, which is plenty indeed.

I’m still savouring the mini-reunion of sorts of the amigos, the knowledge that we can all still be this close even after the months apart. It’s just never been the same since that day, but if i could have it even just for one night, i’d be contempt.

It’s also appreciatively simple to acknowledge the fact that i’m beginning to understand what it means to be in a relationship, a test to which i’ve never passed.

Sometimes i struggle with the limited free time i have nowadays, to delve into areas of interest that i really desire.

I wonder when was the last time i tabbed surfed, allmusic.com surfed, music surfed, took out my guitar and riffed a new song.

But when i sit back and realise what i’ve discovered, what i’ve gone through and how it has moulded me, it just tells me that it’s all about coming up with the proper management of it, that i should just make use of the time that i have elsewhere.

I don’t bother about the fact that some friends have become far apart, they still mean a lot to me, and i think i’ve made considerable effort in letting them acknowledge it, i never want to be caught in the run back to your friend issue should anything unfortunate arise, not that i’ve ever considered it.

Yep, i’m in love.

But, i also think i am at the age where i really require people who will just push me that little bit forward. Hence the change.

The only thing i ever ask of you, got to promise not to stop when i say when

-Soapfat

I also saw a picture of my own grandma who passed away almost 10 years back, when i visited my aunt’s place. It was one of those photos stored way back in the cupboard, dust filled and all. For a moment in my life i suddenly felt guilty that i’ve never been missing her, that she was almost in a way totally gone and non-existent in my mind, that i in all senses,  i just forgot about her.

The nature of it happening during the festive period got me thinking of the time when i was 13/14 when she passed away after having an unfortunate fall in the house during the first day of the new year. I remember it very clearly, the fall and the funeral.

See, i used to stay with my grandma in a 10-room flat, yea literally there was a wall knocked down between our 2 flats side by side that created a gigantic playground for hide and seek, a certain lack of personal space but altogether a childhood that i will always remember. Back then i would always run to her to give her a hug, talk to her in my attempted hakka  and just laugh and eat all her wonderous cooking.

I really think she was the one that provided me with the ability of a high metabolism, with all the food that she fed my skinny frame.

Come to think of it, i don’t think she ever understood a word i said due to my utter poor sense of chinese and dialect.  But to me, it was a case whereby she didn’t need to.

All she needed was to see me by her side along with my siblings, just smiling at me and calling me “ming ming” whenever she saw me. (it’s the only time i actually don’t mind being referred to my chinese name).She hardly moved from her reclining comfortchair, and it was always a pleasure to see her laugh with her infectious smile.

Like i told some of my friends, the day she died was probably the last time i really cried because i was genuinely sad, and when i say cry i mean tears and weeping and not because i lost my lvl60 character in WOW.

I remember the night when i came back from school only to see a pool of blood on the marbled flooring near the door, she fell on her head and was rushed to hospital, as my dad said.

At the moment i didn’t really think it was a big deal, to me i was at the age where i just wanted to play, was genuinely explorateively horny and cared more for my Diablo II character than anything else. Asking me to visit her in hospital was like demanding that David Beckham kick with his left leg or telling Mahathiar that Avatar’s aren’t real.

Yet, i’m glad i did because it was the last time i got to see her in person. When she saw me i could see her eyes light up even if she couldn’t force a smile and i still remember holding her hand for the last time and giving her a hug before i left.

The next day i came back from school and saw a bunch of slippers and shoes outside my house, and its a sight that one would never like when you see all your family members decked in white in your house.

For a moment i really didn’t know what to say, i didn’t hit me like i thought it would and i didn’t feel that i missed her all at once. And in a way i hate myself for doing so up till now, but as the days went by and when i first saw her motionless pale face in the coffin i just couldn’t hold it back.

If you see a photo of her you would know that she was always a caring woman, smiling like only she could with her weirdass fluffy Leia inspired hair at the side, and when i hear of the stories she did just to suport the family like selling tau kwa at a market 6km away from the house you really get a sense of what she did jut to make everyone happy. And honestly i love her to bits for that, and in some way i regret not being able to be there for her when i could.

I guess there’s always a special something the one shares with their grandma compared to their grandfather, well thats in my case at least.

Stay don’t go 

 -Soapfat

At some points its just the simplicity of songs like Don’t You Evah that i’ve come to appreciate, but i really like the whole Beck/LCD Soundsystem feel that i get from songs like The Way we get by and especially Stay Don’t Go

But my favourite track of all has to be Back to the Life, i see some semblence of blur combined with well i really don’t know what band comes to mind at this point of time, but the collaborance of the acoustics and electronics is really something to behold.

that’s the way we get by

-Soapfat

It’s been rather quiet on the pockets, relatively subdued on the red packets, but definitely more fulfilling as a whole.

It’s really the least i’ve gambled ever more than never, the fact that i’ve only won $20 from all the days just says it all, perhaps its not that i don’t want to gamble, i just really don’t like it when i’m gambling in the midst of people i’m not really close to. Which makes me realise just how much i really miss the bunch of friends that i am really closer to, friends that shared the spoils of pubescent adolescent behaviour, that were present when i still had centre parting hair and just people i can mention more than 2 sentences too.

I’ll save myself for the weekends then.

The time has perhaps been  spent even more fruitfully with my significant other, and those that are in turn closer to her. I would like to say it’s a welcome scenario that i forgo all the aspects of gambling for at least some points in my Chinese new year life and use it to get closer to something i’ve held away for too long.

I digress and focus on vday, the commercially exploitative celebration that i amazingly never had success with for the past few years of my attempted relationships. For once all that working, cooking and preperation was more physically taxing on myself rather then the wallet. Seriously i like it that way, it makes me feel on one part financial responsibly concious but also more sincere from the other side of the spectrum.

Although our near perfect date was interrupted by the obscene presence of ancestral communist counterparts, it was really a moment when i realised just how much it really means to be in love. It seems that every conversation that we have time and again just seems to evolve at such a rate where we’ve become more in tuned and in fact, it’s become more intellectually stimulating as a whole.

Sometimes i wonder if it’s the euphoria of the initial passion, and i’ll be crazy to tell anyone this there and then, but deep down something more than a gut instinct tells me that there is something that’s special about this person.

Why hasn’t anyone really heard of the cinematics? Seriously check them out man. It feels good to have a good deep bass around.

It feels good to have a good deep bass around.

-Soapfat

Placebo is a deliberation

Much like Muse,Greenday and Bon Jovi just to name a few, Battle for the Sun has failed to ignite the passion and euphoria that one would associate with previous works of art.

So it’s with half-hearted anticipation that i contemplate heading to Fort Canning on the 18th of March to watch this band live. Come on,  this band had many a splendour with David Bowie and its associations with Romeo & Juliet have been embedded into the little corner of our minds. (please please don’t get Saosin to open for them and no, any local band should never be given the opportunity, not for a band like this.)

That they do not provide us with the songset for their tour leaves you wondering if they will indeed skew towards the Placebo of the old medication or will they turn disgustingly country rogue like Bon Jovi.

Seriously go tube: Livin on a Prayer, and then tube We weren’t born to follow.

It’s almost as ghastly as CNA continuously saying at every hourly bulletin ” Semen samples from former prime Minister Anwar Ibrahim was found in the anus of his former aide “

Time to consider and look back then.

I much prefer the acoustic, much cause it’s easier to play on my guitar.

Got to love Bowie’s deep bass vocal prowess here.

Originally done by T.rex, the dudes did a much more upbeat version. Oh and Bowie again

The. T.Rex original

See you at the bitter end

-Soapfat

Strangely enough a compliment that people have given to me over the course of the last month  has been that of seeing me happy,like truly happy.

And I wouldn’t deny any of that.

Whether they mouth it in the context of the exact words themselves, a hint of a smile or even a little mockery that is often a daily association with my life, it’s good to know that my happiness rubs off well on those close to me.

To me, this is not a feeling of relief, but rather a sense of being complete for once in my life. Complete in knowing that i am able to conjure up words, songs and expressions as a depiction of just how i feel, it seems that the part of me has been let loose from all the strangles that choked the emotions in but a suffocating void.

For the best part of the past 3 years of my life, i questioned me and my friends theory by which “there’s always someone out there for you”, in truth i never really believed any of that, for the fact of the matter that nothing in life falls into place without you doing anything about it. Just like God doesn’t magically take your fever away after you pray in your supposed tongues.

I’m just thankful that for once things turn out the way i wanted it to, and i guess in that sense it’s gonna make me not take things for granted now that it’s been a given.

Sidetrack.

I’m still waiting for John Mayer to come.I’m deliberating on whether to go for placebo.

I’m attending more concerts this year than i probably have in the past 5. I haven’t been to a club since my birthday.

I have a way too crazy an appetite/ weight-loss gain metabolic rate, if that’s even how one would associate it with gaining 2 kg over a week, but being able to lose it in effectively 3 days from then.

You know at the moment there’s nothing much left to say, it’s best to get off when there are too many distractions in place.

I always think placebo has many hidden tracks that i only ever realise on a random playlist in my ipod.

i’m an eyesight to the blind

-Soapfat