Posts Tagged Death
Viva la grandma
Recently i heard of two grandpparents passing away, one of that belonging to my cousin and the other a good friend of mine.
I also saw a picture of my own grandma who passed away almost 10 years back, when i visited my aunt’s place. It was one of those photos stored way back in the cupboard, dust filled and all. For a moment in my life i suddenly felt guilty that i’ve never been missing her, that she was almost in a way totally gone and non-existent in my mind, that i in all senses, i just forgot about her.
The nature of it happening during the festive period got me thinking of the time when i was 13/14 when she passed away after having an unfortunate fall in the house during the first day of the new year. I remember it very clearly, the fall and the funeral.
See, i used to stay with my grandma in a 10-room flat, yea literally there was a wall knocked down between our 2 flats side by side that created a gigantic playground for hide and seek, a certain lack of personal space but altogether a childhood that i will always remember. Back then i would always run to her to give her a hug, talk to her in my attempted hakka and just laugh and eat all her wonderous cooking.
I really think she was the one that provided me with the ability of a high metabolism, with all the food that she fed my skinny frame.
Come to think of it, i don’t think she ever understood a word i said due to my utter poor sense of chinese and dialect. But to me, it was a case whereby she didn’t need to.
All she needed was to see me by her side along with my siblings, just smiling at me and calling me “ming ming” whenever she saw me. (it’s the only time i actually don’t mind being referred to my chinese name).She hardly moved from her reclining comfortchair, and it was always a pleasure to see her laugh with her infectious smile.
Like i told some of my friends, the day she died was probably the last time i really cried because i was genuinely sad, and when i say cry i mean tears and weeping and not because i lost my lvl60 character in WOW.
I remember the night when i came back from school only to see a pool of blood on the marbled flooring near the door, she fell on her head and was rushed to hospital, as my dad said.
At the moment i didn’t really think it was a big deal, to me i was at the age where i just wanted to play, was genuinely explorateively horny and cared more for my Diablo II character than anything else. Asking me to visit her in hospital was like demanding that David Beckham kick with his left leg or telling Mahathiar that Avatar’s aren’t real.
Yet, i’m glad i did because it was the last time i got to see her in person. When she saw me i could see her eyes light up even if she couldn’t force a smile and i still remember holding her hand for the last time and giving her a hug before i left.
The next day i came back from school and saw a bunch of slippers and shoes outside my house, and its a sight that one would never like when you see all your family members decked in white in your house.
For a moment i really didn’t know what to say, i didn’t hit me like i thought it would and i didn’t feel that i missed her all at once. And in a way i hate myself for doing so up till now, but as the days went by and when i first saw her motionless pale face in the coffin i just couldn’t hold it back.
If you see a photo of her you would know that she was always a caring woman, smiling like only she could with her weirdass fluffy Leia inspired hair at the side, and when i hear of the stories she did just to suport the family like selling tau kwa at a market 6km away from the house you really get a sense of what she did jut to make everyone happy. And honestly i love her to bits for that, and in some way i regret not being able to be there for her when i could.
I guess there’s always a special something the one shares with their grandma compared to their grandfather, well thats in my case at least.
Stay don’t go
-Soapfat
Add comment February 18, 2010
Heart and Gut
A couple of hours ago i was at a wake for my buddy’s grandad, whom he was very close to as he had stayed with him ever since he was young.
Somehow it reminded me of my grandma, whom was the only grandparent that i have ever really been close to, as she, like my friend’s grandad, stayed beside me ever since i was young.
I miss the lard and salt intensive dishes that she used to cook, and though most of the time i know she didn’t really understand what i was saying due to my limited chinese vocabulary, i always felt safe and secure around her warm and pudgy body. sorry mama.
My buddy told me how he was there during the last few minutes that his grandad was still alive, and i think its never easy for anyone whatever situation you are in.To actually see them pass onto the afterlife.
He also mentioned that he had intended to head to a friend’s party earlier, but just had something hitting his heart, his gut, telling him to visit his grandad, even if it was for a while. Which was what he did. And even after he finished talking to him, he went back to wave and said bye to his grandad twice just before he reached the lift lobby. Somehow he knew he just had to.
An hour or so later, he got a call that his grandad was in critical state and soon after he passed but not before having everyone say their final goodbyes.
Mine wasn’t the same scenario as i was much younger. My Grandma had been in and out of the hospital recently, but on the day she passed i duly remember having a sinking feeling that something is wrong, i didn’t know what but somehow its just natural to know that something went wrong.
So i trudged back in the bookloads, and as i climbed up the stairs to my home, the sheer number of slippers, the open gate made me pause for a while.
I knew that she had gone.
At this point i guess sadness hits you first, and then somehow i felt more relief in knowing that her suffering had ended and she was in a better place, a woman like her will defnitely have a VIP pass to heaven.
Somehow i felt relieved and happy that at least she was trying to send me a message from beyond just as she passed.
It’s strange, endearing and amazing how these kind of things happen to us, that spiritual link that we somehow share with people we are close to and how you sometimes have to believe that they have one final message for you.
So i guess in someway, its better to forget logic, to screw common sense, facts and figures.
Sometimes we just have to follow what our heart tells us. What the gut feels.
but it’s not so bad, you’re only the best i ever had
-Soapfat
2 comments March 3, 2009
